Remakes of films is nothing new, but haven’t we seen a looser grasp on what constitutes as a good idea lately from Hollywood?
Certain films are and shall always be untouchable. For instance:
- The Godfather
- 2001 – A Space Odyssey
- Star Wars IV-V-VI
- Blade Runner
- The Abyss
- It’s A Wonderful Life
- Babe
The list can go on and on. However somehow people still get a chance to remake films left to right. Sometimes the only added thing to a film, a part from added technical benefits, are more boobies.
For instance a quick prayer to the almighty Google can wield the following results in films that are being remade, and in some cases have been remade:
Ben Hur
Carrie
The Crow
Das Experiment
Dirty Dancing
Excalibur
Fantastic 4 Reborn
Frankenstein
Godzilla
Jumanji
The Jungle Book
Mortal Kombat
Oldboy
Poltergeist
RoboCop
Scarface
Short Circuit
A Star Is Born
Suspiria
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Tell No One
The Thin Man
Timecrimes
Tomb Raider
The Toxic Avenger
The Twilight Zone
The Warriors
I’ll be the first to admit that some of these I want to see, perhaps only to discard them, and some of these I want to travel abroad and visit the person who signed off on the project and perform the fish slapping dance on him/her.
Ben Hur
Why, why why, would this be a good idea? There has already been an Animated version and a TV series. Neither of which sucked profoundly, but neither really managed to improve the story either.
Carrie
This I have seen and I must conclude that the original is vastly superior. I expected the remake to be filled with gore and blood and pointless boobies (it is after all a scary movie from hollywood). However all of these things had been omitted. Sure Chloë Grace Moretz is more “pretty” than Sissy Spacek, and I can see how a director would assume that she is more appealing to a younger audience. But the fact remains, Nothing new was added other than boring CGI and… well nothing. And that is pretty much what I felt after seeing it. Nothing.
The Crow
I didn’t like the original, it was OK but in my mind it fell into the endless pit of EMO garbage. Yet I must say that a remake of this would not only be an insult to the legacy of Brandon Lee, but also to the scattered few who actually liked this film. (I will probably be mail bombed by 11 people now but that’s on me)
Dirty Dancing
Do we really need another version of this? What could be added that would give this project merit? Boobies? I for one say Ney. The original was good, Great if you are a woman. I was hoping the utter failure of the sequel would be enough. “Oh here’s an idea, lets make a remake of Dirty Dancing but in this version we’ll put the plot in an underground Rave community, that will give us ample opportunity to depict drugs and boobies”…
Fantastic 4 Reborn
Fantastic 4 – Stillborn. The first 2 movies showed the world that it was cool to be a nerd cause you could make out with Jessica Alba. But unfortunately in the real world you cant, so it was mainly appealing to pre pubescent masturbators with as many holes in the head as the plot in the film.
Frankenstein
This could be interesting, but it could also be a “horror” film in which case it will most probably be worthless. If it is made with heart, the story is awash with sentiment and philosophical mind openers. But I, like the “monster” in this tale, fear what has become of ourself and that this film could end up next to other “great” films like Sharknado or Megashark VS Crockosaurus.
Oldboy
Why can’t Americans watch subtitled foreign movies? This movie falls in with so many other great films, as a complete and utter waste of time. Unless you are retarded and can’t read, or high and can’t stop laughing when you hear another language. Just like The Ring, The Grudge, Dark Water, The Eye, One Missed Call and Shutter. All of these films are far inferior to their originals, and I fear that Oldboy will be no exception to this rule.
Poltergeist
Hell No! In what universe would a remake of this film be considered a good idea? Perhaps the “Fucked up in the head”-Universe?
Poltergeist scared the shit out of me as a kid, and it still is a wonderful film filled with movie magic. It would probably scare the shit out of my kids (can’t wait until I can show it to them). So what if the special effects at the time were limited, I say it just made the importance of convincing acting and a solid story all the more important.
RoboCop
“A swede playing Robocop?”
Why not try a Canadian psycho in a remake of John Carpenters jolly “Someones Watching Me”?
Picture this:
Ring ring…
“Hello?”
“Hi I’m standing in the building across from you, and I would like to look at you while you undress. Is that OK? Then I’d like to come over and strangle you , just a little bit, not too hard, is that OK?, Pour informations francais, s’il vous plaît appuyez sur 2″
I digress…
My inner child, the same child that saw the original with Peter Weller, wishes it could be as awesome as the first one was back in the day. I remember the awe inspiring and uplifting feel I had when I had seen it. And after, playing Robocop.
I don’t however remember it being such a bloody film. Quite raw and visual. And also quite quaint quintessentially quirky, que?
I mean it was rather camp in all its rawness, bad puns, bad actors, and really twitchy stop motion. But as a kid I loved it, as an adult I love because it is so dated and weird (all those wonderful dystopic commercials).
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the remake will be OK, but being a realist and a pessimist, it will probably end up being called, RoboCrap.
Scarface
Say Hello to my little NO!
Scarface, is Al Pacino, Al Pacino is Scarface. Also Giorgio Moroder is awesome. That’s the end of that discussion.
Short Circuit
Another of my childhood favorites. Nr Johnny 5 winked it’s way into my heart, and stayed there. An amazing film, with unexpected hidden treasures. A lot of good values and food for thought in it. And who can say no to the wonderful Ally Sheedy, even if she had a real granny-haircut in the movie. Steve Gutenberg, I can do without, but he doesn’t ruin the film.
If Disney remakes this we can be sure it is going to be a hit. For the lobotomized masses who think the rootin-tootinest way to say something is with a musical.
If anyone else decides to remake this, it will be utter crap, possibly action crap, possibly Mr. Bean with boobies crap.
Suspiria
Being a Dario Argento fan I can honestly say that remaking this Is as dumb an idea as repainting the Sistine chapel, Mauve or Beige. There is no way anyone can make this film more mysterious, more strange, more suggestive, more awesome. Someone might try to make it more “Scary” and add Boobies, but that someone, my good sir, Is a Moron.
Tell No One
“Ne le dis à personne”, is a fantastic adaptation of Harlan Cobens wonderful book. This falls in under the “Why cant Americans watch subtitles films”-category. I remember thinking “Yeah, a kick ass film, and French too” Only meaning French as in French films are really good. I liked it a lot, and have seen it several times. I doubt I will see the American version repeatedly.
Tomb Raider
Seriously??? What would be the purpose? “Let’s remake Tomb Raider and this time let’s have even tighter clothes, and bigger boobies, and…more holes in the plot?” Tomb raider as a game = OK, was quite good. As a film = You could just as well show not so dressed women and every 20 seconds cut to a explosion. I’m guessing it would probably be as effective, and popular.
I say let Tomb raider remain in is Tomb.
On a finishing note I would like to see a few films remade. Such as: “Dune” (Yes I know it was made into a TV-series, which was really good, but not as good as it could be), “Silent Running” (I love it and think it is really great, but it could be even better taking an even deeper look into the psyche of Freeman Lowell) And finally I would love it if someone tried and succeeded in a remake of “The China Syndrome” (It is fantastic and a really good film, but I think it could be made into an even more thrilling edge of your seat film. As long as Stephen Bishop can sing another song to it…
Now the clock is X Files past bedtime.